AND HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT

February 3rd, 2014 by Kelli
I always debate posting about this. I wrote this post, almost erased the whole thing, re-wrote it, re-wrote it again, thought about it, saved the draft for a few weeks… you get the idea. It’s intensely personal and a big part of me wants to keep it that way. But the amazing thing about this past year has been learning how many others are facing it. More than I ever realized. So many came to me and shared their stories. All of them unique, all of them difficult, and all of them amazing stories of courage and faith and hope. And I needed that, and I think they probably need it too. And that makes me happy.

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About a year ago, I shared a story about our journey with infertility. In addition to all of the beautiful stories that people shared with me, the outpouring of comments, emails, texts and general love we got in response felt like a big gigantic hug and was so encouraging. You guys were amazing to us. And we needed it.

But I’m going to be honest. If you’d asked me that day what I thought our life would look like a year later, I thought for sure it would have happened by now. A year is a long time, and I just figured it was bound to happen. But here we are, a year older, hopefully wiser, and it still hasn’t happened. And if you’d asked me a year ago how I would feel about not being pregnant after all this time, I’d probably have guessed that I’d be a bitter, defeated heap of tears by now. But that’s another thing I would have been wrong about.

People ask us often how things are going, and I can tell that sometimes they’re hesitant to ask. And I get it. I know they don’t want to bring up something that they know is painful, but I also know that they love us and want to share this journey with us and be there for us. And what I usually tell them, is that I wouldn’t trade where we are now for anything. We have so much to be thankful for, certainly more than we deserve, and we are so hopeful about the future.

That’s not to say there have been no tears. There have. There have been many, in fact. It never stops being a sad thing to be faced with. But I’m learning to not let the sad days feel like a setback. There’s something beautiful even in the sadness, because it always teaches me a little more about God’s ability and willingness to comfort. There have definitely been hard days, but the good news is that there have been so many more hopeful days.

But whether it’s been a good day or a bad day, the one thing that has remained constant is God’s presence in our lives. It’s sort of an odd thing, really, the things you learn about Him and the unexpected ways He speaks to you. Seeing His face through the lens of hope, patience and joy, as well as through confusion, anger, disappointment, and totally imperfect faith has taught us more about His love than we ever could have imagined.

Our story is looking less and less like how I thought it would, but it’s so much more beautiful and I’ve learned things that I might never have had the opportunity to learn otherwise. The learning has been the most wonderful part of all of this, really. It doesn’t always feel wonderful at the time, but it’s a lovely thing, to endure those growing pains with the peace that truly does surpass your understanding.

And that’s the update. Waiting isn’t always easy… in fact it almost never is, but we have so much joy and happiness in our lives and we’re so grateful for the journey we’re on. We’re excited about the future. Physically speaking, I’ve had some great doctor’s appointments and we’re seeing great progress. We’ve always known that it was possible for us, but that it would likely just take time.

But I’ve learned to not let my hope be dictated by how things seem to be going with my body. Our hope is in something much bigger. It’s in the promise of God’s goodness in our life, no matter what that life winds up looking like or where it takes us. And that’s a hope that never disappoints.

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Comments

10 Responses to “AND HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT”
  1. Belinda says

    Kelli,

    My husband and I are on a journey that sounds similar to yours. I’m not sure how similar to yours since I just started following your blog, but it is similar in the waiting department. We’ve been trying to conceive for 18 months.

    Your post is very good and rings true with me. I just told my mom that 80% of the time I’m doing well, really well. Overall, I’m a happy person. But the other 20% of the days are dark and sad and lonely and desperate and filled with doubt. But in the long run, it’s the doubt that makes our faith so much stronger. If everything was perfect all the time, we wouldn’t be blessed with the opportunity to grow.

    This weekend, I was looking through some old photo albums. And I noticed a picture of my college boyfriend, who I dated for 4 years. When we broke up, I was absolutely devastated and did not understand how in the world I would meet someone else who would fulfill me the way that he did. And then a year later, my husband popped into my life in the most unexpected way. Looking through the pictures, it hit me like a ton of bricks. God is faithful.

    God is faithful.

    I didn’t know for a whole year how or if I’d ever meet my future husband, and yet there he was on the other side of that year.

    I am so hopeful for you, for me and for others on this journey of waiting.

    God is faithful.

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to share that, Belinda! I totally agree with you, 19 days out of 20, there’s so much joy, but on the 20th day, it hits and I try to allow myself to just feel the sadness of it. God is so faithful, and I’m so happy to hear how faithful He’s been to you! Love hearing from you

  2. Tiffany says

    You my sweet friend are such an inspiration and my years spent living so close to you …literally …were and always will be a true blessing. Somehow in the good, the bad, the ugly and the amazing God always gets the glory in your life! Your story continues to be written by the true author of faith hope and love. Miss you terribly each time I read your blog, but more grateful God chose me to be your roommate if only for a short time. You continue to touch and inspire me even from afar. Love ya

    • Thank you, dearest woman. I cherish your friendship to the deepest extent that a person can. Love you too!

  3. I am so glad you wrote this. It’s as if you read mymind. I am one that is hesitant to ask but want you both to know your in my prayers every night and know God will do what is right for you two. Love you both.

    Josie

  4. Morgan Williams says

    You’re such a beautiful writer, Kelli. I’ll be honest and tell you that I’m affectionately jealous of how beautifully you write, and my writing competency is not usually something I find lacking until I read something really wonderfully constructed. I’m happy your able to find hope and peace in our Lord, and you know he never disappoints, but boy is the waiting hard. I enjoy getting to know you better through your blog and always feel touched when you share. Hugs, Morgan

    • Wow, Morgan, thank you! That’s such a compliment, I’ve always loved writing and hope to do more of it in the future. Thanks for your encouragement!

  5. Shannon says

    I echo those -beautiful gift of writing you have friend, always have had! I read something today that resonates with this I believe, “The degree to which you are able to tell your story is the degree to which you are able to heal.” To warrior on with one another though is very vulnerable but very vital I am finding. So I pray God continues to use yalls story and journey as He is doing now, to draw many to the circle of unconditional love and Hope -and in return they help fuel the fire of Hope and love in you two! And on that note, Im about to text you to get our overdue date in order! Love you to the mooooooooon!

  6. Thank you sweet friend. You’re such a warrior for us and a constant encourager!

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